smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
