Sorry, I don't speak sober.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
