i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
