listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
