Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
