if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
