I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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