The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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