You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I want a musical about memes.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
