I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
