i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
