Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
