oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
