Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
