Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
