Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
