yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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