I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
