I'm going to jail i love you
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
