So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
