OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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