dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
