I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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