Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
