I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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