Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
