Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
