I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
