I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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