I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
