Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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