i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
