tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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