I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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