I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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