I met the friendliest cop last night
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
did i just pee glitter
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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