so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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