Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
