You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
