nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
