they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
