I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Randomize
