I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
