in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
