I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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