mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
