1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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