why didn't you poke me back
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
