Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
