Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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