I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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